Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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