they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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