just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize