hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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