I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
