neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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