Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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