i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
