You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
