my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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