This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
