Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
