watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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