I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sober January is a disaster.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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