You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
