I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
