We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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