Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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