I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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