I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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