I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We need to get me chipped asap
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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