Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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