Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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