I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
