My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
