Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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