i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
