the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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