just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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