DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
