so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
