What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
