why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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