I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
