Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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