i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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