i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I supernannyed him into submission
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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