she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
