i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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