they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
