Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
