Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
