when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
