Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
