before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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