when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
