it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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