i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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