even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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