Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How does it feel to date your dad?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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