My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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