Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
