Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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