My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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