I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
