dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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