The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
