we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
