They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
