I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
