dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
