Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
