It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
