I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
