Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
not ubering you a puppy
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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